Turning 27...Reflection on my 26th Year

With my 27th Birthday now only a day away I decided to write a blog post on the year I have had. When I think of where I was a year ago on my birthday I am somewhat blown away by how different I feel.

**I will preface this story by saying I am in no way in the place I was a year ago, I am happy, healthy, still a little crazy..but none the worse for wear.

I spent most of my 26th birthday in the care of my doctor and counselor. I was in a dark place had given the idea of taking my own life more power than it was warranted. It was a scary thought I had never had before, I always liked myself too much to even consider taking my own life. I remember sitting on my kitchen floor at 7:30 in the morning crying just willing myself to hold on and fighting off the thoughts until the doctors office opened and I could talk to the doctor I knew would listen to me without that judgemental look of “well if you really wanted to die, and really wanted help you would be in the ER...not here in my office” I hate those doctors...we go where we feel safe...sometimes a cold hospital full of people pumping you with sedation and ignoring your pleas to just have someone year you just doesn’t do it for you. I saw it time and time again with my mother and I knew I could help myself, I just needed to reach out.

In the time I sat waiting (John was out of town, thank god...I was grateful we was not there to see me in that place) I realized I was alone..in that moment I held my life in my hands and no one was going to come through the door or up the stairs and help me. I had to pick myself up off the floor (literally), have a shower and get myself the help I needed.

It was a moment I will forever look back on as a dark and sad moment, to feel that alone is heartbreaking and overwhelming, but it was also the moment I realized I don’t need anyone or anything to make me happy.

It was then I decided that this year would be different. I began to put less expectation on John to make me happy in this place we live. I really am not a fan of this town and pretty much haven’t been since we moved here, but that was not his fault, nor was it his job to ensure I was happy. I started putting myself out there, into social situations that made me nervous and uncomfortable, which was pretty much anything that took me out of the house. The idea of being around people in social settings is something I find to be exhausting! However I force myself to go out, be present and live life.

That is not to say my whole world opened up and everything that makes me who I am was out the window. I am still me, I still find the most inappropriate things funny, I hate being around people and I still sit alone in dark rooms listening to sad songs and crying into a bowl of microwaved cupcakes...or something of that nature...don’t judge.  The idea that last year I honestly felt like I didn’t want to live anymore gave me some real insight into my life and how I had lived it up until that point.

I don’t worry as much as I used to, nor do I allow others to make me feel bad about the decisions I have made, or continue to make. “It is not your life...back off!” is the new order of the day. So if there has been a point this year where you may have given some “friendly advice” and I seemed like I was dismissing it...it’s because I was. If I didn’t ask, I don’t need the advice, thanks for playing.

My journey through this year started out small. I was offered the chance to come back to a job that I loved, Thank you AAN <3, I decided on a bright colour to paint my office (a place I not only work my day job in but that I also use as a creative space), I painted my desk a bright colour, I moved my office down stairs to give myself the space I needed. I began seeking out positive quotes, reading more books about women who have taken their lives from something they weren’t happy with and turned them into something they could be proud of each morning when they woke up.

I have lapsed back into times of sadness, just days where I got out of bed and worked...that’s an accomplishment. Others where I worked my awesome day job, cleaned the entire house, read half and book and still had energy to burn. We all have ups and downs.

I have a love for books and music like we all do, so I began seeking out songs that lift me up.

I created a playlist of some of my favourite songs that makes me happy, some of them are old school but I listen to everything if, like myself you are always looking for something new check it out:

 Lift Me Up Playlist

So in the past year here are 27 (in honour of my 27th birthday) I have learned:

1. Wake up everyday and do whatever you have to do to get through. Not everyone is depressed but some people are, and if getting out of bed, breathing and putting a load of laundry in is all you could manage, that’s okay.
2. Surrounding yourself with light doesn’t always work, but it beats the hell out of sitting in the dark giving yourself over to the demons in your head. Whether it is metaphorical light, or actually turning a light on...just be in light.
3. Thank the people who support you in all your forms. Find one each day and just thank them for helping you become your best self. You can try to do it alone, and for the most part you can, but we all need support.
4. Embrace stillness...just sit in the quiet and let your mind wander...that in itself can be an adventure.
5. Read...there is always time. Even if it is 3 pages a day. 
6. Speak up when you don’t want to do something. You can say no. It is your life. 
7. Limit the amount of “putting on a show” you do. I spent years “putting on show” for people and it took a lot of out of me. Sometime we have to put a smile on when we don’t want to smile, but don’t make it your whole life. 
8. Stretch...Nothing feels as good as stretching!
9. If you are fat, that’s okay, you are still you and still an interesting and beautiful person! Wear colour, you look the same in colour as you do in all black. (Thank you to John and my beautiful mother-in-law for always pushing me to wear colour <3) 
10. People are not watching you as much as you think they are. (This is one of my anxious fears, everyone is looking and laughing at me...turns out...they aren’t lol)
11. Make your decisions and stand by them, don’t back peddle because you got a negative reaction from someone...make the choice that is best for you and let the rest go!
12. People are going to tell you, you can’t do things...you sure as hell can. You can do them and you can do them well...if that’s what you choose to do. 
13. Try not to be critical, of yourself or others. (This is something I work on daily as I am by nature a negative nelly, judgemental and all around grouch...but like in a delightful way)
14. DRINK WATER...omg another thing I struggle with daily but so important. 
15. Honour your friends whenever you can. The beautiful souls who picked you out in a crowd one day and thought “you’re going to be one of my people”...those people are your life line. I have a handful of beautiful souls who appreciate me in all my forms and I love you all. 
16. Find something that makes you happy everyday and do it for an hour. I have so many things I have found I enjoy that I never used to make time for. 
17. Were all losers, geeks, nerds and freaks. It’s okay, I love Harry Potter, it makes my soul happy. Embrace what makes your soul happy. 
18. Fight for your life...whatever life you want for yourself, fight for it. 
19. I am blessed to work for a company I love, doing work I live for….find a job you love. It might not be tomorrow but...eventually.
20. Write everyday...poems, a story, a list (no..not like the groceries lol) just something that put you on paper...or the screen for those of you who prefer to type. It doesn’t have to be shared with anyone. Just for yourself. 
21. Put yourself out there, take big risks, take things on. Even if you don’t finish or you can’t follow through...you made the step, one day you will follow through if it was meant for you. 
22. There is no such thing as “too much TV” people who say that just don’t personally watch TV, they need to keep their negativity to themselves...but that’s their struggle. 
23. Dance, everyday...even if it’s with Ellen, in your car, in the shower (don’t hurt yourself), just let go. 
24. Cry...if that’s what you need...then do it. Just know when to stop, dust yourself off and move forward. 
25. Tell yourself one thing you love about yourself everyday. You might not hear it from others but you should always hear it from yourself. 
26. Call your parents, or the elder figures in your life who made you who you are.  I have so many beautiful, strong people in my life I reach out to when I need help. 
27. Talk to childhood you...as strange as it sounds I have spent this past year talking to younger Jessica quite a lot, helping her heal. Sometimes it’s the heartbroken, angry, scared, sad, funny, wild little girl, other times it’s the the even more angry, sad, loud teenager, who was so terribly misunderstood. Our younger selves seem so far away and yet they are always there in the mirror looking out. Protect their memories, make happier one for them, prove to them (you) that whatever pain they went through wasn’t in vain, that you are leading them somewhere beautiful and better than they could have dreamed.

So as I a go into my 27th year ( yes I know I am young...but I have been through plenty…) I just wanted to reflect on my 26th and how well it all worked out.

Jess

The Apron

This morning while I was cleaning my house I was listening to some music and a song I haven’t heard since I was little girl came on - Coat of Many Colours by Dolly Parton. This was one of my Mama’s favourite songs. My Mama always listened to the older style country while I was growing up so it holds a place deep in my heart.

As I was listening to the song, I began to cry (people who know me will know I tend to do that a lot..I am like my Mama that way). I stopped and just kind of sat down and thought back to a random memory I haven’t thought about in years. Of an apron my Mama made for me for Foods Class in Grade 9.

Many people know my mother suffers from Bipolar, what they may not know is for a time when I was younger (almost all of Grade 9) she lost her mind. There were months where she did not know I was, who my stepdad was, or even who she was. It took a toll on our family but a larger one on my sweet Mama. 

(This wasn't Grade 9, but I found it years later)

She would occasionally come back to me though and I remember one incident where I told her I needed an apron for foods class, I expected her to just get Pat (my Stepfather) to give me some money to go buy one. The next morning I woke up and she had made me one, she doesn’t remember making it at all, but it is something I still have at my mama’s house (I should probably get it for my hope chest). The apron was sewn haphazardly and far too long, it went down to my toes). I am sure my mama thought I would just adjust it to my liking.

I didn’t adjust it though, I wore it the way it was made because my mama made it for me. I had quite a few people point out it was ridiculously long but I didn’t care. They of course would not have know how much effort went into it. My mama was not well at all so there was more love in it than even I could imagine at that time.

So while I was cleaning today I reflected on how much my mama loves me and how even when her mind did not remember me, her heart did. So I guess I just wanted to put this out there to say, call your mama and tell her how much you love her. Even if she is not here anymore you can still tell her.

There are so many things our mothers do for us, we are not even aware of. The pain and sacrifices they make don’t stop when we grow up.

I love you Deborah Lynn Hansen, more than life itself.

Happy Sunday Everyone.

-Jess

I am going to be a Bride..and a Wife

My fiance and I have been together for 3.5 years plus a few months. I know this because I was asked to marry him on our 3.5 year anniversary and it's been a few months since then.

For years I was so consumed with him asking to marry me and felt it was imperative that we marry. It got to the point where I asked him if he even wanted to marry me. He was taking so long I was afraid he felt he had dug himself into such a hole that he couldn't get himself out of it and wouldn't put me through the pain of breaking it off after spending so many years with me.

I sat him down and actually said flat out "Do you even want to marry me? I ask this because I don't want you to feel that you need to stay in this relationship if it is not what you want. Please just tell me flat out and we can handle it like adults and go our own ways peacefully." I did not say this because I wanted out, I said this because I wanted him to be happy and I wanted to be happy, if not being with me any more would make him happy I would give that to him. He is the best man I know and I would give him the moon if it was within my power.

A few weeks later he asked me to marry him. I felt a small pang of guilt as I stood there looking at him asking him "Really!?" as he laughed nervously ( he laughs when he doesn't know what else to do). I eventually said "Yeah...I could do that", as if I was doing him a favour by saying yes and not the other way around. He did me the favour of choosing me to spend his life with me. This pang of guilt continued into the next day as I felt like I had taken something from him, stolen his thunder. So I asked him if he only asked me to marry him because of the conversation we has previously had. He assured me that was not the case he was just waiting for the right moment, and had known how he was going to ask me for 2 years, and has even told a bunch of people at the wedding of a friend of ours how he planned to ask me one day.

The night he asked I bought myself 4 bridal magazines and began rifling through them with intense fervor. I was going to be a bride...FINALLY!! However as the days went on I also began to realize...I was also going to be a wife...and that thought stuck with me even more than the idea being a bride.

I began to think about what it means to be a wife. My mother has been married 3 times as has my grandmother. I in no way criticize those decisions, they made them the women they are and they were part of their journey, however for myself, the idea of divorce in my current life..is not acceptable. I find the idea of getting married and getting divorced at the first sign that you might have to be unhappy for a little while completely ridiculous. There are plenty of reasons couples get divorced; infidelity, abuse, someone just up and leaves you. All plausible reasons if you think on them hard enough, but for me after seeing my parents go through 5 marriages between the two of them. I almost feel like I have something to prove, so I waited until I found a man who I could see going the distance with me. He comes from a family with strong marriages, his parents are still together, both sets of grandparents were together. He is a man who also believes you stick things out. You get married and stay married. This could very well be a terrible way of looking at marriage and divorce, I in no way am an expert, this is just how I see things.

That is not to say I am not excited to be a bride. There was some small drama surrounding the planning of my wedding and I only realized a few days ago that I am far too attached to the idea of the wedding  and perhaps not attached enough to the idea of a Marriage. So I am going to approach my wedding with gladness and as much Zen as I can muster, and just be happy with how the day turns out.

During all of this contemplation I picked up a book called "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert and just finished it and thought it was completely brilliant. It was a study on marriage from the perspective of a person who did not ever intend to marry again and the peace she made with it. She needed to define marriage in her own way and find what it meant to her and I think more people should look at marriage that way. What does marriage mean to you? 

The more I think on it the more I realize I need to not only plan my wedding, and enjoy that for what it is but I need to also begin to think about what it is to be married, to be a wife and what it will mean to build a life with the man I love.

As a child of divorce, along with what ninety-five percent of the rest of the world? I find that this work of figuring out what it is to have a marriage and what it is to be a wife is incredibly important. I love my mother to ends of the earth, she is why I am the person that I am. Her strength is my biggest inspiration, but I do not want to follow in her marital footsteps.

I am sure once I am married I will begin to think about what it will mean to be a wife and also a mother while still maintaining who I am, Jessica, and how I can bring who I am to being that wife and mother. Some might say I think too much, but I spent many years of my life afraid I was missing something, that I never really lived it.  This is my time to live and it's an incredible feeling, knowing you can have all you ever wanted and still find there is more to have, things you never thought you were worthy of having. 

-Jess